I realized today that it’s been seven months since I last posted. Life behind the picket fence keeps on keeping on- time stops for no-one.
I’m not going to detail the last half a year – but kind of recap that which has kept me from doing the very thing that is so important – chronicling, questioning, inquiring about – those experiences that make me who I am today. Sometimes I think I’m a typical “boomer” and at other times, think my expieriences are “a-typical”. At times my whole life seems “non-traditional”.
The biggest thing is that I am continually challenged? overwhelmed? boggled? at the mental health issues that plague my son and daughter and one of my grandsons. All three suffer from anxiety disorders; my son and daughter from PTSD from various and multiple sources; my son from Bipolar Disorder I, my grandson from Schizo-effective disorder and very possibly Schizophrenia. My daughter also has all her life had a jepordized auto-immune system and a continual stream of related health issues in addition to dealing as (for all intents and purposes) a single parent with an 18-year old child with mental illness (since being diagnosed at 6).
I bring this up as since I last posted my grandson’s psychotic episodes and aggressiveness have escalated, my daughter’s health remains at a point both physically and emotionally that she has not been able to work in a year and her state disability was done last fall. Her health care team acknowledge that she should be on permanent disability but none will step up and do the documentation. My grandson also requires for the most part 24/7 supervision and she has been unable to find resources for respite care. She is getting married in September – I worry about what will happen with her health care because she is on MediCal right now with no income.
My son, who has been living with me for the last three years, is having difficulty finding viable employment but at least has gone back to school to re-purpose his accounting degree. He will hopefully start work with a non-profit organization that manages grants for mental health care centers in California under MediCal when their fiscal year starts in July. He is seeing a therapist fairly regularly but is starting to have panic attacks again. My son is on MediCal also because of no income.
These are my children – 42 and 46 years old. Lives in chaos through no choosing of their own. How does a parent cope with that? One day at a time.
I worry about my employment right now – after two years of being well above my sales goals at work, this year is tanking in the markets that I am responsible for – the first “trimester” was awful, second “trimester” hopefully will end ok – but anxiety is definitely there.
Upside – I had planned on moving in July when my apartment lease was up – my ex lost his tenant in February and offered me to rent his 2-bedroom townhouse at enough less that it was an offer I couldn’t refuse – and he kindly bought my lease out for me. We’ve known each other almost 10 years – were married for five – and have finally figured out, I think, that we make better “friends” than spouses – we get along fine, do things together (went to Hawaii for a week with his daugher, son in law and grand daughter) – BUT BACK TO THE TOWNHOUSE – I helped him pick out this little townhouse when he bought it 5 years ago with the thought that when we didn’t want to do stairs any more we would live here. It’s nice to have this little sanctuary to come home to now – half the commute, more space, a little tiny yard – space for my son and I until he hopefully some day can live on his own again.
So while we never know what is going on with people behind their picket fence, life behind mine is busy, hectic, at times chaotic, but enough peaceful that I can only say it could be worse. And now that I’ve broken the “writers block” if no more than for my own journaling and/or purging, I’ll sort it all out here.
Cleansing breath –
Namaste – I honor you – all my friends who live their own brand of normal behind their picket fence.